S3 Episode 5: Coping with Relationship Conflicts

What if you could transform misunderstandings and frustrations into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding? On The Counselor's Couch, we tackle the heart of relationship conflicts, exploring how unmet needs and miscommunication often sow the seeds of discord. Discover the psychology behind these tensions and learn how to harness the power of self-awareness to recognize personal and partner triggers. This episode equips you with practical tools and insights to not just manage relationship tensions, but to enhance the bond with your partner, making your journey together more fulfilling.

On the path to mastering conflict resolution and communication, you'll uncover the differences between value conflicts and relational conflicts. Explore the art of empathy and validation, key ingredients to resolving disagreements without escalating tensions. Learn to use "I" statements for assertive communication, ensuring both partners feel respected and heard. Whether it's taking a time-out to cool down or asking open-ended questions to foster understanding, this episode offers strategies to approach conflicts with a clear mind and open heart. Plus, find out how to connect with me, your host, through various platforms for further support and engagement.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Relationship Conflicts and Disagreements
• 15:28 Mastering Conflict Resolution and Communication
• 32:09 Connecting With the Counselor's Couch

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Greetings everybody and welcome back to the Counselor's Couch, where we get real about life, mental health and everything that helps us live a balanced and fulfilling life. I'm your host, calvin Williams, licensed professional counselor, here to talk through some of the most essential tools that we can use to build and improve your mental wellness. Well, it continues to be a very busy and active season for me. We've had a lot of awesome things going on with the podcast. Recently, we launched our own social media campaign, so definitely keep your eyes out for that and look for invites. I know that you can find us on Facebook now as the Counselor's Couch, so that should be fun. Check us out. We plan on dropping some reels and offering you links to some other great podcasts, as well as offer words of encouragement and wisdom for your personal journey.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Now, another thing that has recently come up involves you and ways that you can support the show. Now, I didn't start this venture to get rich or to make money. I truly wanted to give people access to helpful information and encouragement. Now, along the way, many people have asked how they can offer their financial support, and my response was always just listen, and I'm truly grateful for you. Well, today, I'm excited to say that we have partnered with Buy Me a Coffee, where you can show your support for the show by contributing financially. You can click on the show your support link that's attached to each episode description, or you can go directly to wwwbuymeacoffeecom. Backslash the counselor's couch and this will give you an opportunity to contribute anything. Simply buy us a cup of coffee. We also have a new email address where you can drop us a line with requests or questions at thecounselorscouch at gmailcom. There are a lot more things coming your way, so keep listening and stay with us Now.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Today we're tackling a topic that's not only relevant but also relatable to everyone in any relationship Dealing with disagreements and conflicts. But before we get started, let me remind you again nothing provided in this podcast implies a therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. It is solely for education and entertainment. I hope, to empower you to become more self-aware and challenge you to create the life you desire. Counseling can help you overcome challenges, enhance your relationships and develop skills to lead the life you want. Now, if you're considering therapy, then please reach out to a trained, licensed professional in your community, if you are seeking counseling in the Monroe Louisiana area or if you live anywhere in Louisiana and you are interested in participating in teletherapy with state-approved professionals? Well then, contact the providers at HealthPoint Center. Change starts here. Psychology and Counseling Services. Healthpoint is a collaboration of independent professionals who are dedicated to improving your quality of life and guiding you on a positive path toward change. That's HealthPoint Center, located at 1818 Avenue of America, monroe, louisiana. Call today to inquire about services providers or book an appointment at area code 318-998-2700.

Speaker 1: 3:44

Well, it's that time again. So pull up a cushion, kick off your shoes and grab a cup of coffee. Let's get started with the session. Relationships naturally come with conflict, but what the key is is how we handle that conflict, and today I want to explore different ways to cope with disagreements. So, whether you're dealing with small frustrations or recurring conflicts, my goal is to give you practical tools and insights to strengthen your relationship.

Speaker 1: 4:14

So let's start with the basics why do disagreements occur? And the psychology of conflict? Disagreements are often simply a sign of differences in perspective, differences in experiences, values or needs between partners, and they're entirely normal. But if we dig deeper, most disagreements stem from unmet needs or miscommunication about those needs or, as I've mentioned in previous episodes, unmet expectations and lack of clarification regarding those expectations, we can often identify several primary needs that drive relationship satisfaction. These include feeling valued, understood and supported. When we feel our partner is failing to meet these needs well, then tension can grow and lead to disagreements. For example, if one partner feels they're handling most of the household responsibilities, they may start to feel unappreciated, which can lead to a buildup of frustration or resentments.

Speaker 1: 5:24

Disagreements also reveal our personal triggers, which are areas we might be sensitive about due to past experiences or deep-seated beliefs. This is a topic I believe is misunderstood by many. The word trigger gets thrown around too much in today's culture. Everybody is upset about their trigger and often expects the world to adapt to them. This is just not how things work. The world is full of triggers and, yes, people in your life will trigger you. The term trigger actually helps somebody take responsibility for their own actions and not the actions of others. If I'm triggered, I am responsible for coping in that situation. It's not about the trigger. When we focus on the trigger, we give away our power and therefore giving up our ability to make a change and have a discussion with your partner. I cannot expect the trigger to adapt to me. You must become self-aware and understand why something is triggering you. Knowing your own triggers and understanding your partners can help prevent unnecessary conflicts.

Speaker 1: 6:28

So why do disagreements arise? Now let's explore three common reasons Differing expectations, unexpressed needs and past emotional baggage. Let's start with differing expectations. Each partner brings their own set of expectations to a relationship Expectations about roles, communications and boundaries. Expectations are the invisible blueprints that bring the relationship to life Ideas about how things should be. They shape how we think a relationship is supposed to work, how love should be shown and even how disagreements are resolved.

Speaker 1: 7:11

When expectations differ between partners, well, misunderstandings and frustrations can arise. So why does this happen? It can be unspoken assumptions. Often we assume our partner has the same understanding of what's normal or of what's expected. For instance, one partner might expect regular date nights, while the other assumes that spending time together at home suffices. Without clear communication, unmet expectations can lead to disappointment or resentment. Sometimes it's cultural or family differences. Our family backgrounds and cultural norms deeply influence what we expect in relationships. For example, somebody raised in a family that values financial independence might expect a separate bank account, while a partner raised in a family that emphasizes shared resources might see joint finances as essential. These differences can create tension if they're not discussed openly. Another reason some of this conflict happens is shifting expectations. Over time, relationships evolve and so do expectations. A couple in the early dating phase might prioritize spontaneity and adventure, but as the relationship matures, expectations around stability, shared responsibilities or parenting may emerge, potentially leading to conflict. Now, when expectations remain unspoken, partners may feel let down or even betrayed, assuming their needs are being deliberately ignored. Now, often the conflict isn't about the unmet expectation itself, but the emotional impact of feeling misunderstood or unsupported.

Speaker 1: 8:58

Our second reason for conflict is unexpressed needs. Sometimes, a disagreement is less about the specific issue and more about an underlying need that isn't being met. Needs can be emotional, like feeling loved and appreciated, or they can be practical, like needing help around the house. When these needs aren't communicated or, worse, when they're not even recognized by the individual themselves, they often manifest as frustration, resentment or conflict. So why do unexpressed needs happen? Well, it could be a partner's fear of rejection or criticism.

Speaker 1: 9:38

Some people avoid sharing their needs because they fear being judged, criticized or dismissed. For example, a partner might hesitate to express a need for more affection because they worry that they'll appear needy or clingy. Us a need for more affection because they worry that they'll appear needy or clingy. It can also be a result of not recognizing the need yourself. It's surprisingly common for individuals to feel upset without fully understanding why. For example, a person might feel irritable about their partner working late but not realize the underlying need is for more quality time together. Finally, there's often an assumption that needs should be obvious. Some people believe their partner should automatically know what they need. When this doesn't happen, well, they feel unloved or neglected, leading to conflict. When needs go unspoken, they often show up indirectly. A partner who needs more support with chores might lash out about something unrelated, like their partner spending too much time on their phone. The real issue, the need for help, is obscured by frustration about something else entirely.

Speaker 1: 10:48

Our third common reason for conflict is past emotional baggage. We all have history and these histories affect our present behavior. Our past experiences don't just fade away. They often influence how we respond to current situations, especially in relationships. Past emotional baggage, whether it's from your childhood, previous relationships or unresolved personal struggles, can become a major source of conflict if it's left unaddressed. If someone has experienced betrayal, abandonment or neglect in the past, they may be more sensitive to situations that trigger those feelings. For example, a partner who has cheated on in a previous relationship might struggle with trust, even if their current partner has done nothing to warrant suspicion. The way we saw conflict handled growing up plays a significant role in how we manage it as adults. Someone raised in a household where arguments were loud and confrontational may instinctively adopt that style, while somebody from a family that avoided conflict may struggle to express their feelings at all.

Speaker 1: 12:00

It's important to be aware of negative patterns from past relationships. Previous relationships can leave emotional scars. If somebody felt undervalued in the past, well, they may enter a new relationship hyper-focused on ensuring their worth is acknowledged, which could lead to overreacting to minor issues. Their worth is acknowledged, which could lead to overreacting to minor issues. Emotional baggage often shows up as overreactions or misinterpretations. For instance, a partner who fears abandonment might perceive their partner's need for personal space as rejection. These reactions can confuse the other partner, who may feel unfairly blamed or misunderstood. Understanding why disagreements happen is the foundation for handling them more effectively. It can help you view conflict not as a threat but as an opportunity to understand each other more deeply.

Speaker 1: 12:54

Now what happens when disagreements go unresolved? Unfortunately, unresolved conflict can create a cycle that damages the relationship, when couples avoid addressing issues or choose not to communicate openly. Small disagreements can grow into larger emotional divides. I often describe this as the snowball effect One unresolved issue gets packed on top of another and soon the couple is dealing with a giant snowball of frustration, resentment and misunderstandings. There's also a concept called negative sentiment override. Now, in this state, couples start to interpret neutral or even positive interactions negatively. If you've ever felt like you're constantly walking on eggshells around your partner or that your intentions are frequently misread, this could be what's happening Now.

Speaker 1: 13:48

I remember early in my career working with a couple who struggled with negative sentiment override. One partner often felt that the other didn't prioritize their relationship, especially when they focused on their demanding job. The partner, on the other, didn't prioritize their relationship, especially when they focused on their demanding job. The partner, on the other hand, felt that their spouse wasn't recognizing their efforts and accused them of being overly needy. Now this led to frequent arguments and a cycle of resentment, where each small disagreement only added fuel to the fire. Over time, this built up and eroded their trust in each other. Now this scenario likely sounds very familiar for a lot of couples, because it's probably one of the most common issues we see when working with couples. Don't worry, though. There are strategies to break this cycle. By addressing conflict constructively, you can avoid this downward spiral and begin to see disagreements as an opportunity for growth.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Now let's move on to identifying the types of conflicts. Understanding the nature of a disagreement can help you choose the best approach for resolving it. Now we typically categorize relationship conflicts into three main types task, value and relational conflicts. So let's explore each. Let's start with task conflicts. These disagreements are often about everyday responsibilities who does what and when. Common issues include house chores, finances or scheduling conflicts. For example, one partner may feel burdened by doing all the household chores and wish for more support. Task conflicts often seem minor, but can reveal underlying issues around fairness and respect.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Next, there are value conflicts. Now. Value conflicts are deeper and involve differences in beliefs or morals. They can be about political views, family traditions or beliefs on raising children. For instance. If one partner values financial independence while the other partner prioritizes shared finances, well, they may clash over money matters. Value conflicts need a lot of empathy and compromise because they touch on core beliefs. Next are relational conflicts. Now, these conflicts are about the relationship itself, such as disagreements around commitment, emotional availability or expectations of support. For example, if one partner feels the other is emotionally distant, well, this could lead to relational conflicts. These conflicts often bring up questions about the future and stability of the relationship. Each type of conflict requires a different approach, so identifying the nature of your disagreements can help set the tone for a productive discussion.

Speaker 1: 16:36

Now, one of the greatest tools for conflict resolution starts with empathy. Empathy is a powerful tool when it comes to resolving any conflict. Now think of empathy as the ability to feel with someone rather than merely understanding their situation. Logically, when we approach our partner with empathy, we create a space where they feel safe to express their feelings and share their perspective without fear of judgment. But empathy is only half of the equation. The other essential component is validation. Validation means acknowledging your partner's emotions as real and legitimate, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. So let's discuss some practical steps to develop empathy and validation in your conflicts.

Speaker 1: 17:26

Start with listen without preparing a rebuttal. Now, that's one of the most powerful things in Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is listen with intent to to understand, rather than listen with the intent to reply. When your partner is sharing their perspective, try to avoid thinking about how you're going to respond. Instead, focus solely on understanding what they're feeling and why. Where are they coming from? One of the things I tell my clients is that when you truly understand what somebody is trying to communicate to you well, the reply comes naturally. You don't have to think about a reply. It will come naturally.

Speaker 1: 18:12

Next, you want to reflect and validate. After your partner has shared, reflect back what you heard. Try something like I hear that you're feeling unappreciated because I haven't been helping around the house as much lately Now. This shows that you understand their feelings and it also lets your partner know that you were listening and that you heard them. Many clients are so surprised at just how powerful reflective listening skills can be in their relationship. In fact, sometimes it clears up conflict immediately.

Speaker 1: 18:45

The next is learn to ask open-ended questions. If you need clarification, ask questions, questions that encourage them to share more Like can you help me understand why this is important to you? And finally, express empathy. Even if you disagree, you can still empathize. Say something like I can see why you would feel that way, given how much you do for us. Now imagine your partner is upset because you missed a family event. Instead of defending yourself. Practice empathy by saying I see that family events are really important to you and I understand that missing it felt hurtful. I promise you folks, practicing some of these simple steps will help minimize many of the conflicts relationships have.

Speaker 1: 19:36

One of the most important factors in conflict resolution is how you communicate. Communication styles range from assertive to aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. Now let's discuss these briefly and explore why assertive communication is the most constructive approach. First of all, assertive communication this style involves expressing your needs clearly and respectfully. It's direct without being hurtful and invites open discussion. For example, I feel overwhelmed handling all the finances alone. Could we look into budgeting together? This is an example of clear, assertive communication. Some people struggle with aggressive communication. Now, this style is confrontational and often leads to defensiveness. Now, statements of aggressive communication are like you never help around the house, making the other person feel attacked, and rarely lead to constructive solutions.

Speaker 1: 20:33

Then there's passive communication. When someone uses a passive approach, they avoid expressing their feelings or needs, which can lead to resentment. Over time, they allow it to build up and build up and build up. They may think it's easier to just let this go, but unresolved issues often resurface later. It's like what I tell many of my clients. When you focus on avoiding something, it's usually the something you create. Finally, there's passive-aggressive communication. Now, this involves expressing dissatisfaction indirectly, like use of sarcasm or subtle jabs like oh, I guess I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. These type of comments create confusion and tension. Now why assertive communication works best.

Speaker 1: 21:26

Assertive communication allows both partners to feel heard and respected. It involves I statements which shift the focus from blame to personal feelings and needs. Saying I feel, instead of you never is less likely to make the Now an example. If one partner feels they're always planning social activities, an assertive statement might be. I feel overwhelmed by being the only one arranging our social calendar. Can we share this responsibility? So what do you do when you're already in the middle of a disagreement and things get heated? Well, here are some techniques to help you manage conflict in real time. The first one is take a time out. If emotions are running high, suggest a short break. Calmly say I think we're both getting too upset. Let's take 10 minutes and come back to this. This pause allows both of you to cool down. I really and truly believe that if we could just hit the giant pause button in the sky sometimes that would clear up many of the conflicts we have. Now.

Speaker 1: 22:33

The important thing here with a timeout, and one thing that I cover with many of my couples, is make sure you let your partner know you are taking a timeout and it's simply a timeout. We're not done with this conversation. We will return in 10 minutes. Think about it when you're watching a timeout. We're not done with this conversation. We will return in 10 minutes. Think about it when you're watching a football game and the other team takes a timeout. Well, they don't load up on the bus and go back home. Okay, what that is a timeout is just a chance to calm down, to restructure, come back with a different plan. But when your partner doesn't know you're taking a timeout and you just walk out of the room, well, most of the time they're just going to follow you and they're going to keep harassing you and keep pushing it and keep pushing it and keep pushing it until there's an explosion. So it's helpful. Let your partner know and you guys need to agree ahead of time that we're going to use a timeout and when we call a timeout and we throw that flag, we're going to take 10 minutes and we will come back to this.

Speaker 1: 23:33

Another technique is focus on one issue at a time. It's easy to start piling up past grievances during an argument, but this only complicates things. Try to stick to one issue at a time. For instance, if the disagreement is about how often you spend time together, well then, avoid bringing up past, unrelated arguments. Another one is use non-verbal cues. Sometimes, non-verbal cues can diffuse tension, softening your tone, maintaining open body language and making gentle eye contact can signal that you're open to a resolution.

Speaker 1: 24:11

Next, avoid always and never statements. These words tend to exaggerate the issue and make the other person feel accused. Now, when somebody feels accused, well, they're going to come out defensive Instead of saying you never listen to me. Try. I sometimes feel unheard when I'm sharing something important. Besides, it's not a never or an always situation. I joke around sometimes and tell folks look, even a blind squirrel will find a nut every once in a while. So when you say things like I never listen to you no, I do, but there have been times where I wasn't paying attention. Next, breathe and slow down. When things get tense, our natural reaction is often to speed up and talk louder. Taking a few deep breaths and speaking slowly can help regulate the conversation and keep things calm. Now. The work isn't over once the conflict ends. Repair is essential for building long-term trust, so let's talk about ways to repair after a disagreement.

Speaker 1: 25:24

Number one apologize sincerely. A genuine apology can go a long way. You want to avoid conditional apologies like I'm so sorry if you felt hurt. Instead, say I'm sorry for how I reacted, I didn't mean to hurt you. A true apology is owning your behavior. Now, one of the things I encourage clients and years ago I had a client in session that said fine, fine, I just apologize for everything. And so I looked at him and said okay, you apologize for global warming, you apologize for world hunger. He's like what, what are you talking about? I was like well, yeah, you're apologizing for everything. Why not just throw everything else on there? Well, that's not what I meant. Then say what you mean. Own your behavior and apologize for the things that you did or the things that you said.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Next, show appreciation. Conflict can leave both partners feeling drained, so express gratitude by saying you know, thank you for sharing how you felt with me. I appreciate your honesty, and let your partner know you appreciate them. Next, reaffirm your commitment. Remind your partner that you're committed to working through issues together, for example, I know we're not perfect, but I'm here with you and I want to keep growing together. A disagreement and an argument doesn't mean it's the end of our relationship. It just simply means it's something we have to work through. Finally, discuss what worked and what didn't. After the dust has settled, reflect on what went well and what could be improved for your next disagreement, because it's going to happen Now.

Speaker 1: 27:10

Before we wrap up, I'd like to offer some reading recommendations for those of you that want to dive deeper into the psychology of relationships or conflict resolution and communication skills. Now, these books are great resources for understanding yourself and your partner on a deeper level, and they provide practical strategies for strengthening your relationships. Each of these books brings something unique to the table, from understanding attachment styles to managing conflicts. So let's take a look at a few titles that I think you'll find valuable. The first is the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr John Gottman and Nan Silver. Now, dr John Gottman is a well-known relationship expert who has done extensive research on why some marriages succeed while others fail. This book is based on decades of studies and observations of couples. It offers practical exercises to strengthen your relationship, to improve your communication and to manage conflict. Now Gottman's four horsemen concept criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling is especially helpful for understanding behaviors that can harm a relationship, and it provides strategies for replacing them with healthier communication habits. In fact, the four horsemen is a keystone, a cornerstone of things that we use in any couples counseling therapy.

Speaker 1: 28:31

Another book is Attached the New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help you Find and Keep Love, by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, now Attached, introduces the concept of attachment styles secure, anxious and avoidant and it explains how these styles affect our relationships. Understanding attachment theory can give you insights into why you and your partner respond to conflicts the way you do. The book provides tools to improve communication and compatibility by addressing each other's attachment style, making it a valuable read for anybody who's experienced misunderstandings in their relationships. Another one Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life, by Dr Marshall Rosenberg. Now, dr Rosenberg's approach to communication focuses on empathy and understanding. Nonviolent communication, or NVC, is all about creating compassionate and honest dialogue. This book provides a framework for expressing needs about blame or criticism, which can, incredibly, be helpful in managing conflicts. With real-life examples and exercises, now Rosenberg's approach can help you break out of conflict patterns and build a more empathetic connection with your partner.

Speaker 1: 29:48

Finally, there's Boundaries in Marriage, by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, and this book addresses the importance of setting boundaries down in your marriage. It's a practical guide that helps couples understand how to communicate personal limits while maintaining a strong bond. Boundaries are often the root of conflict, and this book helps clarify how to respect each other's needs and limits without compromising closeness. All of these books cover a wide range of perspectives and techniques, so I encourage you to find one or two that resonates with you and give them a try.

Speaker 1: 30:24

Reading about relationships can sometimes bring up unexpected insights, so keep an open mind and don't be afraid to revisit certain chapters or exercises with your partner. Now, if you have other reading recommendations or books that you found helpful, then please feel free to share them with us on social media. I love hearing what's being meaningful for listeners and what's making a difference in their relationships. Well, that's all the time we have for today's session. Remember, relationships require work, patience and commitment, but with the right tools and resources, you can handle conflict in a way that strengthens your bond and deepens your understanding of each other. Today, I want to leave you with a quote from actor and 40th President of the United States, ronald Reagan Peace is not the absence of conflict.

Speaker 1: 31:15

It's the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. Remember, folks, life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. You are not alone. You're more capable than you will ever know, so embrace it. Live intentionally, love daily and laugh often. Do your best today and become what you can be, because the world truly needs you.

Speaker 1: 31:38

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Speaker 1: 32:10

Now, if you have any questions or comments about the podcast, you can email them directly to the counselor's couch at gmailcom, or you can reach me on Facebook at the counselor's couch. You can even check out my personal website at wwwcalvincwilliamslpccom. Or if you'd like to schedule a therapy session with me, then contact us at HealthPoint Center, area code 318-998-2700. I always look forward to hearing from listeners, so please feel free to submit topics of interest, comments or questions. Keep coming back. Thanks again for stopping by and remember folks, there's always room for you on the counselor's couch.