S3, Episode 9: Coping with Disappointments

 Have you ever been disappointed?  Welcome to the planet.  Join Calvin on The Couch where he delves into the universal experience of disappointment, examining its psychological and emotional impact, and offering actionable strategies for managing it. By understanding disappointment as a natural response, listeners are empowered to navigate life's challenges and foster personal growth.

• Defining disappointment and its emotional effects 
• The psychological underpinnings of disappointment 
• Understanding emotional hygiene and its importance 
• The role of self-talk in processing disappointment 
• Practical strategies to cope with and reframe disappointment 
• Embracing self-compassion and mindfulness 
• The significance of focusing on controllables 
• Encouragement to turn setbacks into growth opportunities

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Disappointment - Empowering Self-Growth
• 14:39 Podcast Promotion and Support

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Greetings everybody and welcome back to the Counselor's Couch, the podcast where we unpack life's challenges. We learn from our struggles and grow stronger together. I'm your host, calvin Williams, licensed professional counselor, here to guide you through the ups and downs of life, one session at a time. Have you ever been disappointed? Maybe you were looking forward to hanging out with a friend, or you were hoping for that promotion, but it just didn't turn out the way that you would have preferred. Let's be honest Disappointment sucks. There's no better way to say it. It sucks, but it happens. We exist in a world of disappointments, it's true. Now, I'm not trying to be a negative Nelly here, I'm just stating the facts. I believe when we embrace the reality of disappointment, we become empowered to make changes and create something new. Unfortunately, many of us live in the disappointment and take it on as some declaration of our inner value which robs us of our opportunities. Today we're diving into the topic that every single one of us can relate to disappointments. But before we get started, let me remind you again nothing provided in this podcast implies a therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. It is solely for education and entertainment. I hope, to empower you to become more self-aware and challenge you to create the life you desire. Counseling can help you overcome challenges, enhance your relationships and develop skills to lead the life you want. Now, if you're considering therapy, then please reach out to a trained, licensed professional in your community. If you're interested in seeking counseling in the Monroe Louisiana area, or if you live anywhere in Louisiana and you are interested in participating in teletherapy with state-approved professionals, well then contact the providers at HealthPoint Center. Change starts here. Psychology and Counseling Services. Healthpoint is a collaboration of independent professionals who are dedicated to improving your quality of life and guiding you on a positive path toward change. That's HealthPoint Center, located at 1818 Avenue of America, monroe, louisiana. So call today to inquire about services providers or book an appointment at area code 318-998-2700. Well, it's that time again. So pull up a cushion, kick off your shoes and grab a cup of coffee. Let's get started with the session.

Speaker 1: 2:45

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes, from not landing your dream job to plans falling apart at the last minute or even feeling lit down by somebody that you care about. It's a universal experience, but it's one we often struggle to navigate. So today we're going to explore what disappointment really is, why it affects us so deeply and, most importantly, how we can manage it in a healthy and productive way. Let's start by breaking down what disappointment really is. At its core, disappointment happens when there's a gap between our expectations and reality. It's that sinking feeling when things don't turn out the way we hoped or planned. That's it. That is all it really is, in a nutshell Unmet expectations. It's not really about the viability of the expectation itself, because it may be a reasonable, rational and realistic expectation. Unfortunately, the outcome may not have been something within our control. So when the outcome doesn't happen the way we expected, we experience disappointment. The way we expected, we experience disappointment. It's not a very complicated process. Now.

Speaker 1: 3:53

The intensity of our disappointment often depends on the level of expectation we had. If you were counting on something deeply, then the lit down feels greater. And let's be honest, we live in a world where we are encouraged to dream big, set lofty goals and strive for the stars. While that's inspiring, it also sets us up for bigger disappointments when the reality doesn't match up. I remember a time when I worked with a client who had spent months preparing for a promotion that ultimately went to somebody else. Now, the impact on their self-esteem was immediate, but the real growth happened when we took the time to unpack that disappointment together.

Speaker 1: 4:32

It's not just personal goals that can lead to disappointment. Relationships, friendships and even society at large can let us down. Think about how many times people say I thought they'd be there for me or I thought things would be better by now. That's disappointment, plain and simple. But what happens in our brains when we're disappointed? Why does it hurt so much? I think it'll help if we take a look at the psychology of it. Now I want you to understand that disappointment is more than just a fleeting emotion. It's actually deeply tied to our psychological and physiological responses. So here's a fun fact when we face disappointment, our brain processes it similarly to physical pain. That's why it can feel so overwhelming. Studies in neuroscience show that the anterior cingulate cortex that's the same area of the brain involved in physical pain lights up when we experience social or emotional pain. This is why a disappointment can feel like a punch in the gut. There was a study published in Nature Communications back in 2021 revealing that the brain's reward system plays a key role in disappointment, specifically the dopamine pathways that are activated during anticipation of positive outcomes. These can be significantly diminished when those outcomes don't occur. The sudden drop in dopamine levels contributes to the emotional discomfort that we feel. Now.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Another important voice in this conversation is psychologist Dr Guy Winch. Now Dr Winch is known for his work in emotional health and is a strong advocate for what's called emotional hygiene. It's a concept he explores in his books like Emotional First Aid and how to Fix a Broken Heart. He emphasizes treating emotional wounds such as disappointment with the same care as physical injuries. In his TED Talk why we All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid, dr Winch explains that neglecting our emotional well-being can worsen the effects of disappointments. He notes that when disappointments trigger our fight-or-flight response, it can escalate feelings of stress and anxiety if left unchecked. His research and advice highlight the importance of addressing emotional pain directly and practicing self-compassion as a tool for healing. Now many mental health providers highlight how our attachment styles can influence how we process disappointment. For instance, people with an anxious attachment may feel disappointment more acutely because they place high expectations on relationships and outcomes. Similarly, people who are perfectionists are more prone to disappointments due to their tendency to set unrealistic high standards for themselves and for other people.

Speaker 1: 7:18

Now, another critical factor is the role of negative self-talk. When we experience disappointment, it's easy to spiral into harsh self-criticism Thoughts like I'm such a failure or I never get it right. You know, these can amplify the pain and make it harder to move forward. Research from cognitive therapy and research shows that repetitive negative self-talk can lead to prolonged emotional distress and even depressive symptoms. The more we beat ourselves up, the more stuck we feel. But here's the silver lining Understanding that disappointment is a natural biological response can actually help us normalize it. Instead of feeling like we're broken or weak, we can acknowledge that our brains are doing what they're wired to do.

Speaker 1: 8:10

So now that we know what disappointment is and why it affects us, how do we deal with it in a healthy way? Well, let's explore some practical strategies. All right, let's get into the good stuff Actionable tips and strategies to help you manage disappointment. Whether it's a small letdown or a major heartbreak, these tools can make all the difference. The first one name it to tame it.

Speaker 1: 8:39

The first step is to acknowledge what you're feeling Instead of brushing it off or bottling it up. Take a moment to say I'm feeling disappointed, because you know, naming the emotion helps reduce its intensity and it gives you a clearer path forward. What many people don't realize is that emotions only require two things acknowledgement and expression. That's it. Now. I'm not saying you have to get a billboard on the interstate with all of your disappointments on it. It's often just a simple statement I am disappointed that I didn't get the job and it sucks. Embrace it, allow yourself to feel it and then let it go. You know, a helpful suggestion is to try journaling about a recent disappointment. Write down exactly what happened, how you felt it and what you expected. This simple action of reflection can be incredibly therapeutic. Now, when you're ready to let it go, take it somewhere safe and burn it. Let it go.

Speaker 1: 9:51

Next, try reframing your perspective. Often disappointment is rooted in a single way of looking at things. Ask yourself is there another way to view this situation? Maybe missing out on an opportunity is paving the way for something even better. There's a great power in reframe. Most of us only tend to look at situations from our own perspectives. We have one way of seeing it. You know, when we zoom out on a situation, it can offer us another perspective. Perhaps that was not the job for you because there's something better, or maybe deep down inside you actually want to do something else. We will never explore the other options if we can't look past our own perspective Now.

Speaker 1: 10:35

Another strategy is to practice self-compassion. You know it's easy to beat ourselves up when we're disappointed, but that only makes things worse. Treat yourself the way you would comfort a friend. Use kind, encouraging language and remind yourself that it's okay to feel this way. When you're ready to make a plan, you'll be there for yourself Now. I know this is not easy. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, inhale for a four count, hold for a four count and exhale for a four count. Repeat this exercise anytime you feel overwhelmed by your disappointment. I promise you it helps.

Speaker 1: 11:17

Next, we've got to challenge that negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is going to trap you in a cycle of disappointment. I know this is difficult because I struggle with this regularly. I have an inner critic that can be savage, especially when I'm disappointed. Believe it or not, he's not all bad. He's usually just a scared, hurt little boy inside who doesn't know how to express himself. If you've ever worked with children, watch how they deal with disappointment. It will be revealing. Most adults are just little kids in adult bodies. When you catch yourself thinking I'm such a failure, challenge that thought immediately with evidence. Ask yourself is this really true? Or what would I say to that little boy in this situation? When we learn to replace our harsh inner dialogue with supportive and constructive language, it will enable us to make an action plan and make a change.

Speaker 1: 12:17

Finally, focus on what you can control. Disappointments often highlight things outside of our control. Shift your attention to what you can do. What's your next step? How can you use this experience to grow? When the smoke settles, the list of things within our control are very limited. You can control your words, the things that come out of your mouth, your thoughts and these take a lot of energy and your actions, the things that you do. That's it. Everything else is an illusion of control. Oftentimes, our disappointment stems from something outside of our circle of control. You know, I recently polled my clients to see what's the one thing they recall most often from therapy with me. I had some real, unique responses that'll be going in the book, but the number one response was you have to control the controllables. That, my friends, is 30 years of experience in counseling. Well, that's all the time we have for today.

Speaker 1: 13:19

Now, as we wrap up this episode and again I know this was a short one as well. I want to leave you with this thought Disappointment is a natural part of life, but it doesn't have to define you. Every setback is an opportunity to learn, grow and ultimately find a path that aligns with your true self. I want to thank you for spending time with me and supporting the Counselor's Couch. You know I'm grateful for every download and every time you share an episode. There have been times in my life I have needed the hope and encouragement of somebody else. I hope that we can be that for you Now.

Speaker 1: 13:53

If you found today's episode helpful, then please share it with a friend who might need a little encouragement. But today I want to leave you with a quote from Jeremiah 29, verse 11. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You know, I was once told disappointments are just God's way of saying, hey, I got something better for you. Remember, life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. You are not alone. You're more capable than you will ever know, so embrace it. Live intentionally, love daily and laugh often. Do your best today to become what you can be, because the world needs you.

Speaker 1: 14:40

Please subscribe and follow me on whatever format you use to listen to podcasts. Remember to take a moment to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Give us a shout out there and let me know what you think. Take a minute to share the episode with a friend or a family member. I really do want to get that message out there.

Speaker 1: 14:57

Remember that you are not alone and connection is key. Also, remember you can show your financial support for the Counselor's Couch at wwwbuymeacoffeecom. Backslash the Counselor's Couch or simply by clicking on the show your support link in every episode description. Now, if you have any questions or comments about this podcast, you can email them directly to thecounselorscouch at gmailcom, or you can reach me on Facebook at the Counselor's Couch. You can even check out my website at wwwcalvincwilliamslpccom. Or if you'd like to schedule a therapy session with me, then contact us at the HealthPoint Center, area code 318-998-2700. I always look forward to hearing from listeners, so please feel free to submit topics of interest, comments or questions. Keep coming back and remember folks, there's always room for you on the counselor's couch.