S3, Episode 10: The Inner "Demon" Is Not the Problem; It's How You Fight It That Matters.

Have you ever had an emotional reaction that seemed way too big for the situation? That feeling when something small triggers an enormous response inside? What you're experiencing might not just be an overreaction—it's an echo from your past.

These echoes arise from moments in childhood when we faced pain without proper support.  When we lacked tools to process difficult experiences, we developed coping mechanisms that protected us then but may limit us now.

Many of us try to battle these patterns like demons that need exorcising. We shame ourselves for not being "over it" already. But what if fighting isn't the answer? What if these reactions aren't demons but messengers—a younger version of yourself still seeking safety and understanding? That's where reparenting comes in—the profound practice of showing up for your inner child the way you needed someone to show up for you.

Through approaches like Compassion-Focused Therapy and inner child work, we discover that healing isn't about eliminating these responses but transforming our relationship with them. It's about saying, "I see you, I understand why you're reacting this way, and I'm here now." This isn't indulgence or weakness—it's mature self-leadership that acknowledges all parts of your story.

Remember, you're not failing because old patterns still emerge. You're human. Real healing happens not when these reactions disappear completely, but when they no longer control you—when you can pause, recognize what's happening, and respond with compassion rather than condemnation. 

Subscribe now and join our community of self-aware listeners dedicated to growth and healing. Your inner child is waiting for you to listen—perhaps it's time to give them the compassion they've always deserved.

Chapters

• 0:50 Welcome to the Counselor's Couch
• 1:54 Understanding Our Emotional Echoes
• 4:50 The Demon Is Not The Problem
• 9:38 Fighting Differently: Compassion Over Combat
• 13:40 Reparenting: History and Modern Applications
• 18:52 Healing With Compassion and Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

Greetings everybody and welcome back to the Counselor's Couch, the podcast where we unpack life's challenges, learn from our struggles and grow stronger together. I'm your host, calvin Williams, licensed professional counselor, and I'm here to help you navigate life's challenges with wisdom and self-awareness. I want to thank you for hanging out with me and thank you for hanging in there. I've been on a little mid-season break, which I like to do from time to time, but I am back and I'm well rested and I am ready to spend some time with you. Have you ever had one of those moments maybe in a conversation with your partner or standing in line at the grocery store where your emotional reaction, well, just feels way too big for the moment, where something small just sets you off and it sets off something deep inside? If that's you, well, you're not alone. In fact, what you're probably experiencing is a moment from your past, unprocessed, unresolved, showing up in your present. These aren't just emotional overreactions, they're echoes. Echoes from times in our childhood when we felt helpless, overwhelmed or invisible. Times when we had to cope with more than what we really had the tools to handle. I love how trauma specialist Gabor Mate puts it children are not traumatized by their hurt, but rather because they are left alone with their Now. That's a powerful statement. It's not always about the pain itself. It's about facing the pain without the support, the care or the connection that we needed. And look, most of the time the adults around us were doing the best that they could, but even so the result was the same we were left to figure things out alone. That wasn't our fault, but as adults, healing becomes our responsibility. So today we're diving into one of the most powerful and challenging parts of that healing reparenting our inner child. That's right, we all have one, and today I'm going to introduce you to mine.

Speaker 1: 2:35

His name is Little Calvi and man, I love this guy truly, but I didn't always feel that way. For years I ignored him, I rejected him, I told him that he didn't matter. And guess what? The more I did that, the louder he got, the more he showed up in my relationships, in my business decisions, even in how I parent. And while I love him, he doesn't always make the wisest calls. In fact, little Calvi usually says punch him in the throat, and that behavior is unacceptable for me as an adult today. But here's the throat, and that behavior is unacceptable for me as an adult today. But here's the truth Our inner child, yours, mine they're not the problem, they're part of us, a part that back then did the best they could with what they had. And now, well, now they have something they didn't have before, and that's you, the grown-up, you With new tools, new understandings, more resources and the ability to offer what they never got. You know, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus once wrote Circumstances do not make the man, they only reveal him to himself. That's a deep quote and it hits hard and it gets to the heart of what we're exploring today the internal battles we fight and the way those battles are less about erasing our past and more about transforming our relationship with it. So let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 4:06

But before we get started, let me remind you again nothing provided in this podcast implies a therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. It is solely for education and entertainment. I hope, to empower you to become more self-aware and challenge you to create the life you desire. Counseling can help you overcome challenges, enhance your relationships and develop skills to lead the life you want. Now. If you're considering therapy, then please reach out to a trained, licensed professional in your community If you are interested in seeking counseling in the Monroe Louisiana area, or if you live anywhere in Louisiana and you're interested in participating in teletherapy with state-approved professionals, then contact the providers at HealthPoint Center. Change starts here. Psychology and Counseling Services. Healthpoint is a collaboration of independent professionals who are dedicated to improving your quality of life and guiding you on a positive path toward change. That's HealthPoint Center, located at 1818 Avenue of America, monroe, louisiana. Call today to inquire about services providers or book an appointment at area code 318-998-2700.

Speaker 1: 5:19

Well, it's that time again. So pull up a cushion, kick off your shoes and grab a cup of coffee. Let's get started with the session. I, like many other therapists, have had countless sessions with clients good, sincere, authentic people who come to therapy with hope, with a goal, and very often that goal sounds like this I just want to stop thinking this way, or I just want these reactions to go away. I get it. That desire makes sense when something's caused you pain, when your thoughts spiral into anxiety, when your anger pops off before you can stop it, when your sadness just won't lift. Of course you want it gone.

Speaker 1: 6:04

But here's the part that nobody tells you Some of these patterns they don't just disappear, and the expectation that they should, that they must vanish in order for you to be okay can actually create even more pain. That expectation sets us up to feel like we're failing. It can trigger this internal self-condemnation, this voice that says you're broken, you're not doing it right, you'll never be free. And that voice that's often you're broken, you're not doing it right, you'll never be free. And that voice that's often the real problem, not the reaction itself, but the shame that follows.

Speaker 1: 6:42

Healing isn't about deleting your history. It's about integrating it, learning how to live with your story, not against it. Your old thoughts, your reactive behaviors they serve a purpose. They protected you, they distracted you, they helped you survive. Even anger, which so many people label as bad, is often just a bodyguard for a younger self who didn't feel safe. That reaction is like a shield that says I will never feel that helpless again. So what happens when, as adults, we try to throw those shields away without first understanding why they were there? Well, we feel exposed, we feel unsafe, and that little voice, the one from the past, starts panicking. This is where compassion comes in, specifically, a model called Compassion-Focused Therapy or CFT. Cft invites us to understand that our shame and self-criticism don't change us. Compassion does All right, let's circle back to our title.

Speaker 1: 7:46

The demon is not the problem. Let's talk about that word demon. You know it's common language, right, I'm fighting my demons. It gives weight to what we're dealing with. It says this is serious, this is hard. But what if I told you that your demon isn't actually a demon? What if that angry outburst, that anxious voice, that avoidant shutdown, what if that's not a monster, but a child, a scared, small, vulnerable child inside of you doing the best they could with what they had?

Speaker 1: 8:22

You see those patterns, those reactions we hate. They don't come from nowhere. You didn't fall out of the womb with it. They came from need, from pain, from a time in your life when your nervous system had to do something to survive and that something became your strategy Withdrawal, hypervigilance, people-pleasing, control, detachment all of it was survival. But here's the thing as adults, we start judging those strategies and we shame them. We call them names like toxic, stupid, weak, and in doing so we shame the very child who created them. We say you don't matter anymore because I'm all grown up and you're just in the way. And now we're the ones hurting ourselves, reinforcing the exact message that started the pain in the first place that we're not worthy of compassion. That inner child isn't a demon. He or she is scared, lonely, in need of somebody to show up with kindness, and that somebody is you.

Speaker 1: 9:30

So many of us see our inner struggles, anxiety, fear, doubt as the enemy. But what if they aren't demons to be exercised but messengers to be heard? What if how we fight ourselves is the real issue? Cft teaches us to cultivate what's called a compassionate self. Now, this is a version of you that is wise, strong, caring and grounded. It's not fake positivity, it's not indulgence. It's mature, grounded care, the kind that you would offer to a friend or a child in pain. And this overlaps beautifully with acceptance and commitment therapy ACT, which encourages us to accept difficult internal experiences rather than to fight them, and then take committed action aligned with our values. In ACT, we stop trying to eliminate painful thoughts. Instead, we make space for them, we detach from them and we choose actions that reflect who we want to be.

Speaker 1: 10:38

So, when your inner child throws a tantrum or your old patterns flare up, don't shame it, don't silence it. Sit down beside it, lean into it, listen and lead. So let's revisit our question. What if it's not the demon that's the problem, but how we fight. Now I want you to imagine this You're in a boxing ring and across from you isn't a monster, it's a younger version of yourself, maybe six years old, maybe 10, maybe even a teenager. They're trembling, they're armored up with survival strategies. They're throwing punches left and right because they think they have to, because that's all they know. Now ask yourself what kind of fighter do you want to be in that ring at that moment? Do you come swinging with anger, with condemnation, with rejection, or do you put down your gloves? Do you kneel down and say hey, I see you, I know why you're fighting. You don't have to do this alone anymore. That's what I mean when I say we need to fight differently, not to win, not to dominate, but to reconcile, to lead with compassion, to be a safe adult.

Speaker 1: 11:57

For the parts of us that never had safety before, this is often referred to as reparenting. Reparenting is about showing up for the little version of you the way you wish somebody else had. It's noticing when you're triggered and asking what is the little version of me need right now? Is it safety, reassurance, boundaries? Sometimes self-leadership means lovingly saying I hear you, I know this is hard, but I got this now, and sometimes it means taking a deep breath, making a cup of tea and going for a walk, doing something grounding to soothe your nervous system before you make a big decision. This is what healing looks like Not perfection, not erasure, but partnership between your past and present selves. Now I I realize for some people, when you hear the term inner child, you think of some flower child hippie concept from the 60s. Perhaps it is, but I can tell you this is a limited perspective and you're missing a lot. Inner child work is often referred to as reparenting.

Speaker 1: 13:08

Reparenting as a therapeutic concept has evolved over time, drawing from multiple psychological theories and therapeutic approaches. It centers around the idea that unmet childhood needs due to neglect, trauma or dysfunctional caregiving can be addressed and healed through present intentional self-care, through therapeutic interventions and through developing trusted relationships with others. The origins and early influences of reparenting go way back back to the early 20th century of psychoanalysis and inner child work. Sigmund Freud's theories on childhood experiences shaping adult behavior laid the groundwork for understanding the importance of early relationships. Later, carl Jung expanded this with the concept of the child archetype, emphasizing the wounded child within the psyche. Now, in the 1950s and 60s, we saw what was called transactional analysis emerge. This is Eric Byrne. The founder of transactional analysis identified three ego states, saying that there was a parent, adult and a child ego state. His work suggested that early relational patterns with caregivers influence an individual's adult interactions and misperceptions.

Speaker 1: 14:25

Ta practitioners began using reparenting as a way to help clients develop healthier internal parental figures. Now, in the 1970s and the 1980s, reparenting started to shift to more of a structured therapy. Psychiatrist Jacques Schiff formalized a form of therapy called reparenting therapy, where the therapist acted as a surrogate parent, providing the nurturing, guidance and structure a person missed in childhood. However, this method was somewhat controversial due to its intense dependency on the therapist and many ethical concerns around boundaries, which is why we no longer use that approach today. In the 1980s and 90s, we saw an emergence of inner child work and self-reparenting, with writers like John Bradshaw. He was a leading figure in self-help and psychology, and he popularized the concept of inner child healing in books like Homecoming, reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child. Now his work emphasized self-reparenting, where individuals take responsibility for nurturing and healing their own wounded inner child. It was during this time period, too, that we saw the rise of adult children of alcoholics, acoa and related movements, further pushing the idea that people raised in dysfunctional homes needed to reparent themselves. And that brings us to our present modern-day applications.

Speaker 1: 15:53

In the 2000s to the present, we see more of a shift into cognitive behavioral therapy and trauma therapies. Therapies such as internal family systems, dialectical behavioral therapy and compassion-focused therapy incorporate elements of reparenting by helping clients develop self-compassion and self-soothing techniques. Now, trauma-informed care now integrates reparenting as a way to heal attachment wounds, especially for those with complex PTSD. Somatic therapies also focus on body-based approaches to reparenting, acknowledging that trauma is stored in the body. The rise of mental health awareness has led to a boom of self-help books, online courses and therapy-informed coaching programs that teach people how to reparent themselves. Practices like mindful self-compassion, self-dialogue exercises and gentle habit rebuilding all contribute to modern self-parenting approaches. To modern self-parenting approaches. Reparenting has evolved from therapist-led interventions to a widely accepted self-healing framework. Today it's recognized as a valuable tool in trauma recovery, attachment healing and self-development. Whether it's guided by a therapist or practiced independently, reparenting empowers individuals to nurture themselves in ways that they may have never received as children.

Speaker 1: 17:21

Now let me say this you are not failing because your old patterns still show up. You're human. Healing doesn't mean the absence of old responses. It means those responses no longer rule you. It means you notice before you react. You pause when you need to. You choose differently, not every time, but more and more often. You integrate, you learn how to hold space for the scared child inside without letting them run the show. You acknowledge the old strategy without condemning it. You say thank you for helping me survive, but I got it from here. That is what healing can look like.

Speaker 1: 18:10

So let me leave you with a question. What part of you have you been fighting like? It's a demon? What would it look like to sit down with that part instead of silencing it, to speak to it gently, to listen and to understand? Maybe that's where the healing begins. And if no one has told you lately, you're not bad, you're not broken, you are not behind. You're a human being who deserves gentleness, especially from yourself.

Speaker 1: 18:40

The next time you find yourself reacting in a way that feels too big for the moment, pause, ask yourself who's really talking right now. Is this my inner child? Is this fear from my past? Then offer compassion, not correction, not condemnation, because how we fight ourselves matters. And when we stop fighting and start listening really listening that's when the healing begins.

Speaker 1: 19:12

I want to thank you for joining me on the counselor's couch and, until next time, keep showing up with honesty, curiosity and compassion for others and especially for yourself. But today I want to leave you with a quote from Brene Brown from her book Rising Strong Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. Remember, folks, life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. You are not alone. You're more capable than you will ever know, so embrace it. Live intentionally, love daily and laugh often. Do your best today and become what you can be, because our world needs you.

Speaker 1: 20:00

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Speaker 1: 20:44

Well then, you can email them directly to thecounselorscouch at gmailcom, or you can reach me on Facebook at the Counselor's Couch. You can even check out my website at wwwcalvincwilliamslpccom. Or if you'd like to schedule a therapy session with me, then contact us at HealthPoint Center, area code 318-998-2700. I always look forward to hearing from listeners, so please feel free to submit topics of interest, comments or questions. Keep coming back. Thanks again for stopping by and remember, folks, there's always room for you on the counselor's couch.