S3, Episode 13: Failure is Not Final: Coping, Healing and Rising Again

Have you ever felt the sharp sting of failure that keeps you awake at night, whispering that you're simply not good enough? That kind of deep disappointment that settles in your bones and makes you question your worth? You're not alone—and that painful experience might be more valuable than you realize.

Failure gets a bad rap in our achievement-obsessed culture. From childhood, we're taught to avoid it at all costs, creating a dangerous equation in our minds: failure equals unworthiness. But what if we've been looking at it all wrong? What if failure isn't your enemy, but your most honest teacher?

This episode unpacks the psychology behind why failure hurts so deeply—from the neurological shame response that activates the same brain regions as physical pain to the fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions that follow. We explore how failure triggers genuine grief for lost possibilities and examine practical strategies for coping compassionately. You'll learn how to name your experience without shame, make room for difficult emotions, and challenge the stories failure writes in your head.

The real transformation comes when we stop trying to erase our failures and start integrating them into our larger narrative. Through neuroplasticity, your brain is literally designed to learn and rewire itself through setbacks. Whether you're dealing with a minor misstep or a life-altering collapse, the path forward isn't around the failure—it's through it. As Marcus Aurelius wisely noted, "What stands in the way becomes the way."

Ready to transform your relationship with failure? Subscribe now, share with someone who needs this message, and remember: you're not a mistake because you made one. You're not lost because you took a wrong turn. You are in the process of becoming, and your failures are simply chapters—never the final page—of your remarkable story.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to the Counselor's Couch
• 3:24 The Anatomy of Failure
• 7:00 Coping with Failure Compassionately
• 8:47 Transforming Failure into Growth
• 11:49 Deep Failure and Community Support
• 15:04 Closing Thoughts and Guiding Truths

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

Greetings everybody and welcome back to the Counselor's Couch where we sit down, slow down and unpack life's challenges with compassion, curiosity and clinical wisdom. I'm your host, calvin Williams, licensed professional counselor, and, as always, I'm honored that you've chosen to take a seat with me today. I'm grateful that you're here. Today's episode is entitled Failure is Not Final Coping, healing and Rising Again. Now I want to start with a simple question when was the last time you failed, not made a mistake or not messed up a little bit? I mean the kind of failure that just stings, it sits with you, the kind that keeps you up at night and the kind that whispers in your head. Maybe you're just not good enough. If you're like most of us, you don't have to dig too far back. Maybe it's a failed relationship, a career misstep, a missed opportunity or a dream deferred. Maybe it's something you're sitting in right now. Wherever you are on that spectrum of failure, I want to offer this truth today. Failure does not define you. It re-finds you. But before we get started, let me remind you again nothing provided in this podcast implies a therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. It is solely for education and entertainment, I hope, to empower you to become more self-aware and challenge you to create the life you desire. Counseling can help you overcome challenges, enhance your relationships and develop skills to lead the life you want. If you're considering therapy, then please reach out to a trained, licensed professional in your community Now. If you're seeking counseling in the Monroe Louisiana area, or if you live anywhere in Louisiana and you are interested in participating in teletherapy with state-approved professionals, then contact the providers at HealthPoint Center. Change starts here. Psychology and Counseling Services. Healthpoint is a collaboration of independent professionals who are dedicated to improving your quality of life and guiding you on a positive path toward change. That's HealthPoint Center, located at 1818 Avenue of America, monroe, louisiana. So call today to inquire about services providers or book an appointment at area code 318-998-2700. Well, it's that time again. So pull up a cushion, kick off your shoes and grab a cup of coffee. Let's get started with the session. Let's start our session today by naming the elephant in the room.

Speaker 1: 2:59

We've been taught to fear failure. In Western society especially, success is glorified, perfection it's idolized, hustle is romanticized and somewhere along the way, failure became the enemy. From a young age, we're conditioned to avoid failure at all costs. We get a bad grade. That's shameful. You lose a game, you're a loser. You don't get the job. Something must be wrong with you.

Speaker 1: 3:29

We internalize the idea that failure isn't just an event. It's a reflection of who we are. But here's the truth. From a psychological perspective, failure is feedback. It's not an identity, it's not a life sentence. It's a data point and it's an invitation. Now, in clinical work, we often say what we resist persists. If we avoid failure, we don't get the chance to metabolize it, and when we don't metabolize it, we carry it internally, emotionally and physically. Failure isn't just something that happens to us. It's something that happens within us, and that's why it's so important that we talk about how to cope with it, and I mean really cope with it. So let's break down what happens internally when we fail.

Speaker 1: 4:26

The first thing is a shame response. Shame is a voice that says I am bad. It doesn't say I did something bad. It's the internalized belief that failure equals unworthiness. Now, from a neurological standpoint, shame triggers the same areas of the brain that light up during physical pain. That's why it hurts so deeply. Shame isolates. It whispers, lies like well, you're the only one who messes up like this. Well, if they knew, they'd reject you. You'll never come back from this one. Shame feeds on silence, secrecy and judgment. The next thing is the fight, flight, freeze or fawn phenomenon. Our nervous system doesn't always know the difference between physical danger and emotional pain. So when we fail, we might fight, we blame others, we lash out, or we become very hypercritical, or we flight, we avoid the situation entirely. People places and things. Next is the freeze response we get stuck in analysis, paralysis, or we just numb out. Finally there's fawn. This is when we overperform or we people please to compensate. Recognizing these responses helps us to interrupt the cycle.

Speaker 1: 5:54

Now, another response to failure is grief. Failure is a loss. It's a loss of a dream, loss of a plan, a version of the self we thought we were becoming. And, like all grief, it has stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But here's the kicker these aren't linear. We don't graduate from one to the next. We loop through them, and that's okay. If you're grieving your failure, well, let yourself. There's no healing without grieving.

Speaker 1: 6:27

Now that we kind of understand the anatomy of failure and how we respond, let's talk about how to cope with compassion. Now the first thing you want to do is name it without shame. Use clear, nonjudgmental language Instead of saying things like I'm such a screw-up. Say things like I'm feeling a screw-up. Say things like I'm feeling disappointed that this didn't work out and I'm afraid of what that means about me. Do you notice the shift in those two statements? Clarity invites healing. Shame clouds it.

Speaker 1: 6:59

The next is always make room for the emotions. Let yourself feel the sadness, feel the fear, the regret. I always tell my clients we don't try to fix feelings, we just need to feel the feelings. Emotion is energy in motion. If we suppress it, it festers. If we feel it, we can move it. Take a walk, cry, journal, talk to a trusted friend or a therapist. What you want to do is create a space for your inner experience, without judgment.

Speaker 1: 7:34

Next, challenge the story. Failure often writes a script in your head You'll never be good at relationships. You're not cut out for this kind of work. You're too broken. You want to challenge that. Is this true? Is it true all the time in every situation, or is it the voice of fear masquerading as fact? Most of the time, that's exactly what it is. So ask yourself what would I say to a friend who failed like I did, and then say that to yourself. Learning to cope with failure is just the beginning, but overcoming now that requires transformation. Let's talk about how we take the raw material of failure and we turn it into the fuel for growth.

Speaker 1: 8:22

First, you want to start with reframing failure as a teacher. Instead of why did this happen to me? Ask yourself what is this here to teach me? What did you learn about yourself, about your limits, your needs or even your values? You didn't fail because you're incapable. You failed because you tried something difficult or something you were not prepared to do. That's courage, not weakness.

Speaker 1: 8:52

Next, you want to own the narrative. Here's the thing If you don't consciously write your story, your pain will write it for you. Now, that's a powerful statement. Think about that. If you don't write the story, you're not an active participant in your life. Your pain is writing the story for you and it'll write it in bold letters across your identity. You get to reclaim authorship about what you've learned from your failures, or write your failure in third person. Give it a name, give it a context. Tell the story like it's a hero's journey, because it is.

Speaker 1: 9:35

Next, learn to practice self-compassion rituals. Dr Kristen Nuff outlines three components of self-compassion. The first is mindfulness this hurts. The second, no-transcript. And next is self-kindness. May I be gentle with myself. That's not soft, that's sacred and that's strength. Failure often erodes self-esteem, but compassion restores it, not by inflating your ego or telling you that you're the greatest thing in the world, but by anchoring your worth in your humanity.

Speaker 1: 10:18

Okay, well, let's get nerdy for a second. Did you know your brain is wired to recover from failure? It's called neuroplasticity the brain's ability to rewire itself in response to experience. When you engage in reflective processing, positive reinforcement and adaptive coping, your brain literally builds new pathways. Now what does this mean? It means you can learn to respond differently to future setbacks, you can strengthen emotional regulation, you can cultivate a mindset of growth and not defeat. You know, but it doesn't happen passively. You have to work the muscle. Reflection, journaling, therapy, mindfulness, practice, practice, practice. This is the gem of resiliency.

Speaker 1: 11:08

Now let me pause here and say something. Some failures cut deep, and we're not just talking about small slip-ups. Some failures shake the foundations of our lives Losing a business that you poured your soul into, a divorce you didn't see coming, getting fired or rejected from a dream job, failing to meet a goal that had everything riding on it. And for some, failure feels compounded, especially for those navigating systems of oppression, trauma, poverty or marginalization. So let's be real Overcoming failure isn't just about mindset.

Speaker 1: 11:50

It's also about support, resources and community. You don't have to do this alone. And community, you don't have to do this alone Therapists, coaches, spiritual leaders, friends, support groups, mentors. Failure can feel like isolation, but healing requires connection. Now, at the heart of this episode is one central message you are not your failures. Your worth is not measured by your achievements or your setbacks. So here's a reframing exercise for you Think of somebody that you deeply admire, somebody that you respect. Now ask yourself do you admire them because they've never failed them, because they've never failed, or do you admire them because they've risen from failure with grace? Resilience is the heartbeat of greatness. Your scars are not signs of weakness. They're evidence of survival, and sometimes survival is success.

Speaker 1: 12:55

Now, as we close today, I want to leave you with three guiding truths. Number one failure is not a reflection of your identity. It's a reflection of your efforts, your risk, your growth. You tried and that matters. Secondly, coping with failure requires honesty. Coping with failure requires honesty, compassion and support. Don't do it alone. Speak your story, feel your feelings and ask for help. And finally, number three overcoming failure is not about erasing it. It's actually about integrating it. Let it become part of your story, not the end of it. Now I'd like to share with you a saying that I often use in session You're not a mistake because you made one. You're not lost because you took a wrong turn. You are not broken because something broke you. You are in the process of becoming.

Speaker 1: 13:57

This has been another episode of the Counselor's Couch. Now, if this resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts, share it with a friend, leave a review or drop me a message. And remember, failure might be a chapter in your story, but it's never the final page. So today, I want to leave you with a quote from the Stoic philosopher, marcus Aurelius. So today, I want to leave you with a quote from the Stoic philosopher, marcus Aurelius the impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. So remember, failure is not the end. It's the path, and the way forward is through it. Remember, life is not about finding yourself. Life is actually about creating yourself. You are not alone. You're more capable than you will ever know, so embrace it. Live intentionally, love daily and laugh often. Do your best today and become what you can, because our world needs you.

Speaker 1: 14:50

Please subscribe and follow me on whatever format you use to listen to podcasts. Remember, take a moment to leave a review on Apple Podcasts, give us a shout out, let me know what you think, and take a minute to share the episode with a friend or a family member. I really want to get the message out there that you are not alone. Connection is key, remember. You can also show your support by clicking on the show your support link in every episode description. If you have any questions or comments about this podcast, you can email them directly to thecounselorscouch at gmailcom, or you can reach me on Facebook at the Counselor's Couch. You can even check out my website at wwwcalvincwilliamslpccom. Or if you'd like to schedule a therapy session with me, I'm now taking new patients, so contact us at HealthPoint Center, area code 318-998-2700. I always look forward to hearing from listeners, so please feel free to submit topics of interest, comments or questions. Keep coming back. Thanks again for stopping by. Remember, folks, there's always room for you on the counselor's couch.